HAVING your first child can be a huge shock to the system but, last month, former Vogue model Ruth Crilly revealed it was the arrival of her second child that was overwhelming.
Ruth, 38, who is now a beauty blogger, says having her two-and-a-half-year-old son Ted, 18 months after daughter Angelica, four, left her isolated.
This coupled with the guilt she couldn’t give as much attention to her firstborn led to anxiety. She has now created app The Night Feed for mums to connect.
Here, four mums candidly speak to Rebecca Pascoe and Claire Dunwell about the changes a second child can bring.
‘So busy it often feels like we’re on separate teams’
TEACHER Rebecca Coronil, 36, and her husband Juanma, 39, a foreign language assistant, live in Leeds, West Yorks, with their children Mariela, three, and Johnny, one.
Rebecca says: “Juanma and I have always had a really strong relationship. We’re very loving and very close.
“We work at the same school, so have always spent a lot of time together. But the change since having a second baby has been really difficult for us both.
“Sometimes it feels like we are two separate teams, rather than the same. I’m giving my all to one of the children and he’s giving his all to the other. It means we barely have time for each other.
“Everything is about logistics – have we done this or that for the children. We turn into managers, not husband and wife.
“Our children don’t sleep well so we’re often tired, which makes us really irritable.
“When our son was newborn I was breastfeeding him and up through the night, so at the weekends my husband would take our daughter to the park during the day.
“I feel guilty if I leave the children with him because I know how hard it is to manage two of them together. As a result, I don’t get time for myself at all.
“We’ve been out together twice in three years. It’s tough to find someone who will look after two small children for you rather than one.
“Now our children are a little older things are getting easier and I hope that will continue.
“The last time we had a break together we sat and did admin tasks. It might sound boring but it made us feel like a team again.
“We just have to remember to connect in the little ways. If we’re driving in the car and the children are asleep, we might sing along to a song together.
“Little things that show we love each other amidst all the chaos of family life.”
‘Firstborn so jealous of brother he wouldn’t eat’
LAURA Stones, 28, lives in Derby with DJ partner Carl Collumbell, 40, and their sons Theo, four, and 22-month-old Marley. The beauty therapist underestimated how difficult having two children would be.
She says: “Theo’s behaviour changed as soon as his brother came along, and he constantly wanted our attention. For months, he pretended Marley wasn’t there.
“We tried everything we could to prepare Theo for Marley’s arrival, but it took him a long time to accept his brother was here to stay.
“When I was pregnant, we put a doll in the Moses basket to get Theo used to the idea of a new baby. And when Marley was born, we bought Theo a teddy as a gift from his baby brother.
“Marley had colic which meant he cried a lot and Theo hated it when he got upset. He began having tantrums and throwing either himself, or toys, on the floor.
“Once, he had a big meltdown and went to hit Marley because he was so frustrated. Although I tried to encourage Theo to be the big boy, he was only two years old and I felt for him.
“He suddenly had to share me with Marley and he wasn’t used to that. Theo stopped eating properly, too, and turned away food he has always enjoyed.
“It was his way of telling us he wasn’t happy. Some days he would climb into the moses basket and pretend to be a baby. And when I had Marley in my arms, he would tug on my clothes.
“It was mentally and physically exhausting and, although I used to think having two children would be not much different to having just the one, I was wrong.
“Now Theo loves Marley to bits and wakes him up in the mornings so they can play together.
“The demands of having two children are so much harder second time around. Looking back, I don’t know how we got through it.”
‘With twins, every day is a financial struggle’
Corporate paralegal Tara Robertson, 32, lives with partner Dave Knight, 30, a complaints handler, and their children Charlie, three, and two-year-old twins Frankie and Gracie in Leeds, West Yorks.
Tara says: “Having three children under the age of 16 months is the hardest thing I have ever done.
“There aren’t enough hours in the day and I don’t have enough hands for all my children. Every day financially is a struggle for us.
“We obviously didn’t plan to have twins and, although they are amazing, it costs a fortune. Money struggles put a real stress on my maternity leave.
“When the girls were eight months old I started planning my return to work. We priced up nurseries and it was going to cost us £150 a day for the three of them.
“There was no way we could afford that. So my partner and I both submitted flexible working requests to our employers and, thankfully, they have been great.
“Now we both work part time, so we don’t have to pay for childcare. Logistically, going anywhere with three little children is a nightmare.
“I used to take them all to the park at 6am when it wasn’t busy otherwise I couldn’t keep an eye on all three of my kids at once. With a second baby, especially with twins, you miss out on other mum company.
“With Charlie, I had a good group of mum friends and we would support each other. But with a second (and third baby in my case), I’ve found that has filtered off as you can’t chat and have a coffee.
“I want other mums to know that it’s OK not to be OK. Some days you have a great day and everyone is happy.
“Other days, just making it to bedtime is enough. Our kids are always smiling and they make life complete.”
‘It can feel like you are being pulled in half’
FORMER HR business manager Rachel Olsen-Saaler, 34, quit her job after her second child. She now runs Sweaty Mama classes in Cleckheaton, West Yorks, where she lives with husband Dan, 35, a sales manager, and kids Isla, five, and Harry, one.
Rachel says: “Dan and I had originally said we wanted three children but, after having two, I think we’ve both changed our minds. I had a career I’d worked hard to achieve and I loved it.
“After maternity leave with my first baby, Isla, I negotiated returning to work four days a week. But when I fell pregnant again, with Harry, it wasn’t working for us any more.
“My job was high-pressure and involved a lot of travelling – I wasn’t able to do nursery pick-ups and drop-offs for Isla, so my mother-in-law took over and she was fantastic.
“Asking family for help turned into the norm. I started to question whether I was being the mum I wanted to be.
“I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to be passing two children from pillar to post. I saw a Facebook ad for Sweaty Mama classes, and found out they were recruiting.
“As I’d done a sport and exercise science degree, it felt like the right move so I took the plunge, starting my own classes in June this year.
“The change has been amazing for my family. I’m able to do the school run and Harry comes to my classes. Our whole lives changed when Isla arrived and we developed a new routine around her needs.
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“With a second baby, they just have to slot into that current routine. Isla has had to get used to sharing me.
“She’s never really been a tactile child but, since Harry has arrived, she often comes to me for a cuddle.
“Harry gets quite jealous and starts screaming. It feels like you’re being pulled in half. I know it will get easier as they grow up and I’m really lucky to have my children.”
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